Is my baby broken? And other important questions.

I have been doing some thinking recently. About motherhood, matrescence and about how we support people during the early days with their new babies. I have been teaching antenatal classes in my role as an NHS midwife and also for our lovely Gather sessions and during my last class I felt like I was maybe too honest! I have said many times before, the balance is difficult. You want honest, upfront information right? But nothing too scary or worrying. And sometimes that can be hard. Because in all honesty, having a baby is scary and a bit worrying. It's totally normal to feel that way. That doesn't mean you aren't going to be a great parent. It just means that this is huge job and it isn't something you have done before and you can't predict how it will go. Sort of like the labour process. I think in my last set of classes I said that becoming a parent for the first time feels a bit shocking and that there is very little that gets easier day to day once a new baby is here. Sorry if I scared you with that though.

At our last No Sleep Club we had lots of lovely parents attending. A few mums had brought their new babies along whilst toddlers where in nursery or other children at school. One mum who had just had baby number 3 said something that really struck me. She said, "I am just going to enjoy this baby and stop trying to work it all out. Because I will drive myself crazy trying to look for answers". When our babies are fretful or wakeful or fractitious it feels like we need to find the answer or the remedy. And whilst google and social media can be wonderful things, they don't necessarily decrease parental anxiety in my humble opinion.

There isn't a more annoying question than someone asking if your baby is a 'good baby'. Good by what standard, whose measure? By the standards of sleep and contentedness and crying, my first baby was straight up awful. He cried often, slept little and fed all the time. And I drove myself to the brink looking for answers. Babies are small people. They have their own wee personalities and traits that start right at birth. My high needs baby, became an intense toddler (hello huge meltdowns!) and then subsequently a very verbal, forthright, enthusiastic, competitive and passionate eight year old. It has been quite the ride! It would just have been good during week eight to know that he was going to be this brilliant by year eight, ya know?!

I suppose the purpose of my blog is to tell you that it will work out. And it's ok that it's hard. And sometimes we have a tendency to pathologise things that might be normal, newborn behavior. They will wake often. They will spend evenings crying. And Mildred on the bus probably wont think this classifies as a 'good baby' but tell her from me, she doesn't need to make any suggestions. Something to try. Something to buy. Or get. Or do. Sometimes you just need to be there for your baby and yourself in those moments of madness. Acknowledge that your baby is having a hard time. You can't always solve it for them. Whether they are 4 weeks or 4 months or 4. Loving them is more than enough.

Our society is a hard to navigate with young children. I always feel like I take up so much space. And ruin the quiet. So much energy. I am constantly apologising for scooters and tears and whining. Maybe they are imagined frowns or tsks as people walk past but either way, they feel real to me. We are often navigating this period in our lives with very little family support, juggling jobs and managing the expense of day to day life. It can feel pretty overwhelming.

As a mum slightly further down the road of parenting, I can't tell you how much easier this feels. People sleep, there are no nappies, my children can tell me the exact reason for their incessant moan and gripes. I feel more confident in my ability to be the best parent for my own children and not worry so much about what Mildred on the bus thinks I could be doing better. I try to compare myself and my children less. It doesn't mean there aren't hard days. And in truth, there is still very little that is easier with them in tow. But it often feels so much more joyful. And I think I would take joy over ease most days.